5 ways to end sex that aren’t an orgasm

The goal of sex should not be orgasms: the goal of sex should be pleasure. It’s easy to get caught up in ideas of what sex ‘should’ look like and forget that sex can look however you and your partner (or partners) want it to. Cisheteronormative scripts around sex tell us that sex ‘should’ end with an orgasm – specifically a cis man’s orgasm. We need to work on closing the orgasm gap – the term coined to represent the disparity in orgasms between cishet couples, where cis men have far more orgasms than their partners. However, we also need to normalise sex that doesn’t centre orgasms at all, but instead focusses on what feels pleasurable for the people having sex.

Whether neither of you wants to (or is able to) come today, you're having a day of drawn out, teasing sex, or one of you gets cramp and you need to stop, here are five ways to ‘round-off’ sex that aren’t an orgasm:

1. Get something to eat with your partner

This can be a good way to wind down after sex if there’s not an explosive climax. Maybe you make a pot of coffee to share, cook a meal together, or head out to dinner filled with the endorphins of having had sex. Rather than an abrupt finish, food can be a way to transition out of sex into other parts of your life while maintaining a sense of connection with your partner. Or, if you’re hungry, it’s completely fine to take a break to grab some snacks and then go back to having sex! Sex doesn’t have to be a linear process, and breaks are encouraged if you or your partner need one.

2. Edge each other

Edging describes the sexual technique of maintaining a high level of sexual arousal for an extended period and bringing yourself close to the edge of an orgasm without letting yourself climax. Many people enjoy edging in a kink context, but taking orgasm off the table completely can also remove any pressure you’re feeling to ‘perform’. Without that anxiety, you might find it easier to relax and enjoy experience of having sex. You can take the time to explore each other’s bodies and try new things with rushing towards an orgasm as the end goal. Instead, the goal is finding new things that feel pleasurable to you both.

3. Go to bed together

Whether or not you’re having sex in a bed, going to bed together after you’ve had sex is another really good way to enjoy the feeling of connection with your partner. Maybe you’re both too tired to come, but you want to have sex to reconnect at the end of a long day. Afterwards you can get ready for bed together and keep touching each other while you clean up lube, brush your teeth or settle down to sleep. Or maybe you’re having sex in the middle of the day but aren’t in a hurry to be anywhere afterwards. Napping together can continue the feeling of intimacy and feel satisfying in a different way to an orgasm.

4. Do something that feels really, really good

Even if you don’t end the sex with an orgasm, you can still end it with a sex act that feels pleasurable to both of you. While simultaneous orgasms are far less common than mainstream media (or porn) would have us believe, it is possible to find sex acts that feel good to both of you at once. Do you want to mutually masturbate while lying side by side? Can you give each other a hand job while talking dirty? What about just kissing for a few minutes? Do something sensual that feels good – and remember that sex shouldn’t be about orgasms but about pleasure for you and your partner.

5. Give your partner a compliment

Giving your partner a compliment can be very powerful. Whatever else you’re going to do, telling each other how attractive you find each other and how good the sex was is a great note to end on. Tell your partner that you really loved the thing they did with their fingers inside you, or that you found it really hot when they straddled you and held themselves tantalisingly out of your reach. If you’re not ending sex with an orgasm for any reason, your partner might feel insecure and worry that they’re not ‘good enough’ in bed or you didn’t enjoy yourself. It can be helpful to remind each other of the parts you enjoyed the most and what you’d like to do again the next time you have sex.

Thank you for reading this.